The gym leaders handbook
by Animedemon01
Summary: A handbook writen by the Kanto/Johto gym leaders and elite four (and Lance) for new gym leaders as a guide for everything from sick days to dating other gym leaders. Should I say more?
1. Intro

Written by Lance

**Edited by Morty**

_Re-edited by Lance_

…

If you have this book it means A. you are now a gym leader, B. someone dropped his (coughMortycoughcough) **I resent that**, or C. you stole it.

If it is A, congratulations please remember to fill out all forms that came with this book.

If it is B, please return this book to the pokemon league for your reward.

If it is C, do not read past this page or I will sic Bruno on you.

Always remember that a gym leader is always helpful and never a perv. **Hey, it's not perverted if they like it. **_It is if they are 16 and you are 25._ A gym leader always makes the best decision possible and thinks about of the consequences on their actions before they do something that might get them hurt. **Like when I slept with Chuck's daughter and he found out and beat the living crap out of me? **_yes Morty, exactly._

Please refrain from fighting with other gym leaders or starting fights between other gym leaders.

I also expect all current Kanto/Johto gym leaders to write a section of this book, even if it is brief like this one. **Aw but I hate writing and everyone that I have ever dated agrees with me. **_Not after you gave half of them mono. _

I expect all new Kanto/Johto gym leaders to read this entire book.


	2. Sick days

**Sick days**

By Bugsy

**Edited by Lance**

_Re-edited by Jasmine_

…

As you probably know, everybody gets sick. **I don't. **_Oh, shut up Lance. _When you get sick, you MUST take a day off. **Unless it's mild.** If you take a sick day, you must leave one of your gym trainers in charge. **Unless they are total morons. **_You're a total moron._

To take a sick day you must actually be sick. Some good reasons to take a sick day are:

Food poisoning _like after you've eaten something Lance has cooked_

The flu (this includes influenza, bird flu, and swine flu)

Getting pneumonia after standing in the rain/snow for too long

Mono **coughfromMortycoughcough **_wait, Morty has mono? I kissed his a few days ago. Ew!_

Or any other sickness where you are vomiting, contagious, or have to go to a doctor

Some bad reasons that won't allow you to take a sick day are:

You have a hot date

You are hung-over **good call**

You are too lazy to get out of bed

You have STD's

Only one of your pokemon is sick _hey!_

There is a marathon of your favorite TV show on

If you violate this section and don't take a sick day if you are truly sick, Lance will yell at you and call you a stubborn bastard. **Trust me, I will. **But if you take a sick day when you are not sick, you will be suspended from your duties as a gym leader. **Actually, I will cripple you.**


	3. Texting

**Texting **

By Lt. Surge

**Edited by Faulkner**

_Re-edited by Whitney_

…

Okay, I'm not really sure what this texting thing is, but all you kids do it too much. **We do not! **_Yeah, cellphones are the best invention since milk. _Let me tell you something, we didn't have no text messages when I was a kid. **That's because you are old, and a loser. **_Um Faulkner, I don't think it's such a good idea to say that. _When I went to war for my country, the United States of America, **what the hell is an America?** I didn't bring a god damn cellphone with me. _I don't like war, it's scary. _

Also what's with all that texting lingo bull shit? Why the hell do you say B4 instead of before? Speak English, not bingo. **In people use texting lingo, and you my friend, are not in. **_If you piss off Volkner, you're gonna get beaten twice as much as when Koga found out you were dating Janine, I am still surprised that you didn't realize that she was his daughter. _

If you ask me texting makes you stupid and all non-deadbeat dads would kill their kid's phones. **I take that as an offence.**_ Oh great, now we have to deal with Emo-Faulkner. _Kids these days are mindless freaks. If ever have kids, I will raise them properly. I will raise them properly because if I don't they will turn out like the dumb-ass kid from Violet city. **I will pound you so hard… **_you couldn't win a fight against a dying Magby. _

Kids these days are morons and cellphones and idiot parents are to blame. **I agree with the last one.**


	4. Family

**Family **

By Faulkner

**Edited by Pryce**

…

Somebody once told me that there is nothing stronger than the bond between a father and his son. Well, that person was full of bull crap. My dad abandoned me when I was 12, like most dads do. **Most dads don't do that. **Ever since he left, I have slept with many people. **Faulkner should serve as a warning not to have children until you're good and ready. **Even when my dad tried to be a good parent, he always screwed up. Like when I was 1 he dropped me on my head, **that explains so much, **or when I was 7 and he left me at the park.

It is okay to try to kill, or torture your family, especially if you hate them. **You need help. **Like once I tried to drown my dad, and just yesterday I locked him in a giant freeze. I know Brocks dad disowned him also, but for some reason he's never tried to kill him. I know one day I will get revenge on my idiot father, and slut mother who went the to sinnoh to sleep with Byron. Then me and Pidgeot will rule the world. *Psychotic laugh* **Lance, please get this kid some therapy before he ends up in a mental hospital.**

When I rule the world, I will marry Janine, but continue to sleep with Morty. **Oh god, we should just send him to a mental hospital now. **I don't care what any of you say, I will rule the world, if you think otherwise, I will lock you in a cell. **Koga, keep your daughter away from this psychopath.**


	5. Money

**Money**

By Lance

**Edited by Morty**

_Re-edited by Bugsy_

…

As you might know, being a gym leader doesn't pay as well as some of you would like. **You said it! **_Word! _But there are some ways you are not allowed to make money. Selling embarrassing pictures of other gym leaders is not okay. _Aw, but the yaoi fangirls paid so much for the pictures of Faulkner and Morty doing "it". _Neither is dressing Bugsy up as a girl and entering him in a beauty contest. **But he won, **_and it was fun. _There are many other ways to make money that are frowned upon, some illegal, some not. **Why must the law always suck the big one? **_The "big one" is obviously not yours._

You are not allowed to steal or "borrow" money from other gym leaders, nor are you allowed to sell their stuff. **That's just cruel, now how will I make easy money? **_Oh, so that's what happened to my Gameboy. _

If you want more money then get a second job. I don't know how that works, but if you guys get bigger paychecks, then mine gets smaller. **I will kill you now. **_Me too. _You guys get small paychecks because you are morons, your moronic gym trainers get even less. **True. **_Yup!_Be happy you actually get paychecks. When the pokemon league began, gym leaders did not get paid. Be happy for the money you have or I will hurt you.


	6. Parties

A/N: got this idea from Dark Angles review. Hope you all like it.

* * *

**Parties**

By Morty

**Edited by Lance**

_Re-edited by Morty_

…

Everybody knows that parties are fun. Also, every other Saturday I have a party at my place. Parties are always fun.

Beer is an important party component. **Oh hell no. **_oh hell yes. _Drunk people are also very fun. **Nobody under the age of 21 is allowed to drink. **_You're no fun. _People do funny stuff when they are drunk. **Me drunkenly doing the Harlem shake wasn't funny. **_Oh yes it was. _At parties it is easy to get laid. All you have to do is get the other person drunk. In fact, I have video proof that Janine is not a virgin. **Remind me to show that tape to Koga. **_Hey, it was Faulkner who did her. _

If at a party you steal something, you must return it after. **It's not like you can return Jasmine and Whitney's virginity.** _Hey, I said I was sorry._

Do not try to drive or ride pokemon when drunk. It is not a good idea. **Remember when Faulkner drunkenly flew his Pidgeot into a closed window and broke his arm? **_Yeah, that was funny. But it wasn't funny when I had to explain the incident to his mom._

As always, come to my parties and also throw your own.

* * *

A/N: if any of you have any ideas on who or what I should do next, please review and say so.


	7. Academics

A/N: this was written by request.

* * *

**Academics**

By Jasmine

**Edited by Bugsy **

_Re-edited by Jasmine_

…

Gym leader school is essential for all gym leaders ages 17 and under. It takes place on weekends. **NOOOOO! **_You must go, Bugsy. _Also, you must do all your homework. **But it's hard, and when I asked Morty for help, he didn't get it either. **_That's because Morty is a jackass. _

If you have any problems with bullies, you should tell an adult. **Yup, when I was being bullied, I told Chuck and he ran the bully up a flag pole by his underwear. **_Okay… _Try not to get detention or suspended. If you do, you will be in big trouble. **Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Faulkner and I ditched yesterday and are suspended. **_You are in soooo much trouble. _

No matter what anybody says, P.E. is a very important class. It keeps you fit and in good health. **I can't tell you how many times I have gotten hurt in P.E. **_You're just lucky. _Also, Lance wants you all to try out for a sport of some type. **But I hate sports. **_Quit acting like a child or we'll have to call you Morty._

When you hit 15 you will be forced to take health class. **Wait, that means I have to take it next year. NOOOOO! **_Oh shut up. I had to start taking it this year, so did Janine. _Health class will be very gross. Human reproduction is not pretty. **I know that, for half of last year Faulkner avoided women whenever he could, when he couldn't, he had this weird freaked out look on his face. **_Yeah, we both know there is something wrong with that guy. _

School is important, it prepares you for life. It also teaches you that authority figures are always right (especially Lance). Also, school will one day end for you.

* * *

A/N: next chapter will be on fangirls/fanboys and stalkers. If anybody has any ideas for what characters should be in it please post it in your review.


	8. Dating

**Dating**

By Koga

**Edited by Janine**

Re-edited by Koga

…

I know that many of you are crazed teenagers, and are starting to see the opposite sex in a different light. First I would like to tell you one thing, once I was also a teena- let me just get to the point I am trying to make. STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER! **Dad, I can date anyone I want, and you can't say anything about it. **_While you still_ live in my house _I can._

First let me tell you the difference between a work relationship and an outside of work relationship. In a work relationship you must ignore your feelings for your partner and do not leave your post for them. In an outside of work relationship you may devote your full attention to the other person. **So can I at least have an outside of work relationship with Faulkner? **_No, I hate that blue-haired son of a bitch._

Do not sleep with any other gym leaders. **Hey dad, I'm not a virgin.**_ YOU ARE SOOOO GROUNDED, MISSY! _Also don't sleep with more than one person at a time or you or one of them might have a child and not know who the father is. Like I'm not even sure if I'm Janine's father. For all I know she and Faulkner could be half siblings. **Dad, why didn't you tell me this before?** _Because it's a lie, you got JK-ed. _

All in all, don't let your hormones get the best of you. Especially you, Faulkner. I don't want any grandkids for at least 10 years. **That's not going to be a problem, Faulkner has been deathly afraid of you since you punched his front teeth out after you found out we were dating. **_Good._

* * *

BTW, I'm not updating untill I get 20 reviews


	9. Fans and stalkers

Sorry for the long wait (I recently discovered Memecenter). Thanks for all your wonderful reviews, and if you have any ideas for the next chapter please put them in your reviews.

* * *

**Stalkers/fans**

By Sabrina

**Edited by Lance**

_Re-edited by Clair _

…

All of us have either fangirls or fanboys. Some of us even have both. **I have the most fans. **_Shut up, Lance. _ Fans can be annoying and sometimes dangerous so it is important to deal with them properly.

Never wear revealing clothing around a fan or they will not leave you alone. _I know, but I've seen some scary things happen to fully clothed gym leaders too. _I recommend that everyone check their closets and under their beds before they get undressed for any reason. **I once found a fangirl in my refrigerator. That normally wouldn't have bothered me, but she was eating my cupcakes so I threw her out a second story window. **_And yet you wonder why people are always suing you._

Fans will do many things like steal your stuff and take pictures of you that you are not aware of. **That's true, yesterday I found a website called Lance-cam. Apparently, some fan put a camera in my room and had a live feed to that website. I destroyed the camera as soon as I found it. **_So, for years male fans have been stealing my panties. _Fans may also kidnap you. **So true, I once was locked in a girls basement for 3 weeks before I found a way out. **_Loser, the last time I was kidnaped and locked in a basement I got out in 36 hours._

No matter what fans do, you must always keep your cool and not kill them. **You shouldn't be talking.**


	10. Emergency Procedures

**Emergency Procedures **

By Clair

**Edited by Morty**

_Re-edited by Clair_

…

Emergencies will happen and we must always be prepared ahead of time. Here are the emergency plans and some easy preparation. **Is it as easy as you are?** _Shut up, Morty. I only slept with you because I was drunk._

Fire

Have a fire extinguisher and smoke alarms in you gym. You see those checks Lance gives you every year? Well, those are not your bonuses, those are your emergency budgets. **I spent mine on a PSP! **_I can't believe that you are considered an adult._

If there ever is a fire in you gym, spray it with your fire extinguisher and get the hell out of there! Don't change you Facebook status or Tweet about it until after you are safe. **Yeah, you lame-brain teenagers! **_That was directed at you._

Medical emergencies

Always have all of your medications on hand and make sure that at least one person in any group that you are in knows about your condition.

If you start to feel faint or show any symptoms of your medical condition, **if you actually have one, **tell someone smart, **Like me, **_not like Morty, _and ask them what the best course of action would be.

Robbery

Make sure to keep all doors and windows locked and don't do that key under the mat stuff. **I bet that's** **how those fangirls got in and crashed our game competition last month. **_Yeah, you need some friends your own age._

If a burglar gets into your house, get out and call 911. If they are blocking the exits, text 911. **But make sure autocorrect doesn't change burglar to burger. **_You should disable that feature._

Well, that wraps up this section, for all other emergencies call 911. **You forgot zombie apocalypses. **_Morty, I doubt there will be any zombie outbreaks besides Beiber Fever. Honestly, __you watchtoo much Walking Dead._


	11. Days off

**Days off**

By Will

**Edited By Lance**

_Re-Edited by Morty_

**…**

As Lances adviser I get say in all days taken off. Also, I don't approve all requests for days off. _Screw you!_ Being sick is always a good excuse, If you are actually sick. **Also, it is a bit sketchy if someone calls in sick, and then their boyfriend/girlfriend calls in sick from the same number a few minutes later. **_No, it's not._

All holidays must be real, and not made up. I have made a list of pre-approved holidays that are okay to take off. The classic ones like thanksgiving are not on this list because you lazy bastards and know to take them off. _We are not lazy! In fact, oh Screw this, it's too much work._

January 8: Gym leader day

March 12: A day of rest

June 18: Lance's birthday **Will, stop kissing up to me in hopes of a promotion, You're not getting one.**

_July 8: St. Pizza day_

_July 10: B.L.T. day_

_July 21- 30: The celebration of the great Morty_

As you can see there are only 3 approved holidays that are not on the calendar. If you want to take out take an unofficial day off when you are not sick, please send in a form to me three weeks in advance. _Aw,_ _but what_ _if I don't feel like being lazy in three weeks._


	12. Designing your gym

Sorry for the long wait, I was on vacation.

**Designing your gym**

By Blue

**Edited by Faulkner**

_Re-Edited by Blue_

…

I've been all around the Kanto and Johto, and some of your gyms are totally epic fails. **Damn hipster! **_Shut up, you son of a bitch! _So, I'm here to tell you how to make your gyms fabulous! And before anyone asks I am NOT gay! **I know for a fact that you slept with your rival. **_Hey, I was bi-curious. Plus you've slept with a hell of a lot more people than I have._

First of all you should think about your main type when you are designing your gym. Like Misty has a pool in her gym, and Bugsy has giant roaches (kind of creepy in my opinion). **At least he doesn't steal people's kills in Call Of Duty. **_Well, maybe I'd stop stealing people's kills if they started playing like a soldier and not a hippie. _But if you are a ninja, you don't have to follow this rule.

The second thing you need for the perfect gym is gym trainers. Gym trainers are idiots that will do anything you ask, and practically worship you. **Bugsy, Morty and I sometimes make our male gym leaders put on slutty dresses and stripper heals. **_Yeah, apparently if you do that to a female gym leader, it counts as sexual harassment and you can go to jail._

Okay, so now you know how to design your gym. I'm you need any more ideas, text me.


	13. Personal Hygiene

**Personal Hygiene **

By Karen

**Edited by Lance**

_Re-edited by Karen_

It seems nobody else has spoken about the importance of personal hygiene, so I will. Staying clean is important. **You can't get a girlfriend if you smell bad.** _Or if you're a girl, a boyfriend. _You must shower every **other **day. **You don't need to be crazy clean. **_Please excuse Lance, he fell out of the stupid tree and was dragged through the whole dumbass forest when he was little. You MUST shower every day._

Guys, unless you have special permission, must shave every day. **If you can't grow one, than don't shave. **_Yeah, I think it was Blue who thought he was masculine, trying to shave his nonexistent facial hair and all, and ended up needing stiches._

Every morning you must put on a clean set of clothing. This does NOT mean the t-shirt and sweat pants that you slept in. This does NOT something out of your hamper, under your bed, or the big pile in the corner of your bedroom. It means something out of your dresser or closet that has been washed recently. **Come on, Karen. Sometimes us guys are just too busy to do laundry and that's all we have to wear. Give us a break. **_Lance, man up and do your god damn laundry. You'll never get laid if you smell like sweat._

You must always brush your teeth, or you'll have bad breath and need to get your teeth drilled. **Yeah, I hate having to drag you guys to the dentist, it's painful.** _I remember the time all of us went there at the same time. Who knew a trip to the dentist could land so many people in the hospital._

Personal hygiene is important. **Guys, forget about getting lucky if you're not clean.**

* * *

**A/N: I really need an idea for my next chapter, please help!**


	14. Fired

I start highschool Monday, so this is the last chapter for I while

* * *

**Fired **

By Lance

**Edited by Blue**

_Re-edited by Lance _

_…_

You all know I can fire you at any time. **But then you'd have to fill out all that paperwork.**_ Shut up Blue, I'm not a lazy-ass, girly-man like you. _There are many people who deserve to be canned, but that I've kept on payroll out of the goodness of my heart. **Goodness of your heart, my ass.**

Here are the top five people who deserve to be fired. You will know why.

1. Morty **The pervert**

2. Faulkner **The regions bitch**

3. Whiney **The town crier**

4. Blue **WTF, Lance?**

5. Clair **Your PMS-ing cousin **

Just because you're not on that list, doesn't mean you shouldn't suck up to the boss. Make me cookies or something. But don't give me any more pot brownies. You little drug addict, Blue. **I stole that brownie from Janine. **_What the hell?_

Now here is a list of things that you will get fired for.

Putting plastic wrap over my toilet **Yeah someone did that to me, too. But instead of getting sprayed with me, I got crap all over my ass. **_Is it wrong for me to be laughing about that?_

Changing my computer background to gay porno **It was funniest with the honorshipping one. **_That being on the internet might be the reason Morty's currently in jail._

I'm just gonna wrap this up, if it makes you laugh for more than twenty seconds, it will probably get you fired.


End file.
